Positive Balance

Well, I think in some situations I just have to stop analyzing  things like I do.

Like yesterday, what made me feel weak were the thoughts I had about my feelings, not the feelings themselves.

So, if I just feel and stop thinking about it, eliminate all those WHYs and HOWs, I can deal with it better.

At the end, I had a positive balance: 8 more hangers for my wardrobe [ I was in need of them 🙂 ], a ride home and

pleasant moments talking to someone I like very much.

Very positive.

Love, Friendship and Emptiness

I think we all have this empty place inside that need and can only be filled with love.
That need that is more evident in the moments of solitude.
Some can deal better with it, not denying, but recognizing its existence and facing it, continuing on their way, doing their things, until the love they need can be found.

Others just can’t face it and can’t stay alone and they start relationships with anyone that appears in their lives, so they don’t have to deal with that need or think and learn about it and themselves.
So love is a positive feeling that comes from this need, which is somehow negative in itself.

The ones who can deal and face that need, spending some time alone learning about themselves, usually become more prepared to be in a love relationship. They search for that love that comes with affinity and erotism.
They face loneliness and need, refusing to be in an empty relationship.

It’s difficult to find someone who you have affinity with and also feel sexually attracted for. But it’s possible. And I think that’s the best to search for. That’s the big deal. And if there is something that big, I want it for me too, it’s natural.

Friendship is often treated as a minor relationship and Love as the big thing to be found.
But friendship is also great, something spontaneous and based exclusively in affinity. It doesn’t come from that place inside we need to fill.
It can be wonderful but it doesn’t change and has nothing to do with that need.

When we have affinity and friendship with someone we can spend hours talking silly and funny things with that person and think it’s wonderful. It would be torture beside someone else without any affinity. Also friendship is not exclusive as love. We can have more than one friend, though it’s not easy finding true friendship nowadays.

With all these things I believe, I keep taking my steps in life, knowing that everything that happens is for the best, even when they don’t feel so.

Open Letter to a Secret Friend

It’s been a long time I know you now.
My feelings for you remain unchanged…just the way I feel and think about them is different.
It has been happy and hopeful, then it became frustrating and sad for a while.
The time we’ve been away from each other, I worked on keeping it light.
I’m done with the negative feelings that came from it. It doesn’t feel bad anymore.
You’re just here like me trying to do your best and be happy.
You’re a fantastic person and will always be…I’m sure.
I don’t have to hate you to get over it.
I have to deal with it myself and I know I can.
But it takes some time to heal completely.
You know, I twisted my ankles uncountable times.
It takes some time to recover but it always get good again.
Sometimes, while healing, I think I’m already good but then on a different move it still hurts.
It’s the same about you.
When you were away it felt like I could be just your friend and not be affected by your presence,
and that it could slowly replace the feelings I have for you.
Now we talked again so closely I’m not so sure I can handle this friend thing well.
I mean, not yet.
But I’m doing my best, really.
I wanted to tell you that I’m working on it and how it feels, but I couldn’t.
Like always you made everything around me stop.
And I melted by the things you’ve said. You’ve hit it right on the spot. As always.


I have a few friends who know me pretty well and with whom I can share very personal stuff.

Though, there are a few matters that reached their highest point of sharing. It means it’s no helpful at all getting someone else’s opinion anymore or even some relief in sharing them.

No one can live my life for me or be responsible for my actions. 
Even though these things still matter and affect me a lot, I decided not to share anything new that happens related to them anymore.

It’s funny that I woke up with this decision in mind and something happened twice today: the mute phone calls. It’s happened very often in the last months. I know, it could be anybody, a child playing tricks on me, many different people playing tricks on me, I don’t know since I still don’t have a number identifier 😦 . I can get a number identifier very easily but the question is : why does it keep me wondering? Who I’d like to be the one calling? Why do I think it could be this person and why would it please me? I know, and that’s all I can get to know.

I’ve gotta find the answers myself. If something happens and affects me, what I have to ask is not why someone did this or that, but why and how it affects me if it does. I don’t have to look for meanings hidden in an action but why do I think there are hidden meanings behind some action and why do I wanna know. “What can I do about it?” instead of “why did it happen?”.

There are things I’d like to know and I cannot ask. There are things I’d like them to happen in a certain way and I can’t do anything right now. At least I wanna know my own answers.

Someone else might ask…