Unresolved Feelings

Denying unresolved feelings for other person is getting them swept under the carpet.

It’s necessary to feel it to the deepest to know what is felt.

I’ve been dealing with unresolved feelings for like 3 years.

It’s not an easy thing. And as time goes by, the communication chances to clarify things with the other person disappeared in the past and I see myself with this huge thing to deal inside me.

A long time has gone and sometimes I feel the other side may have unresolved feelings for me too. But I know this sensation may be a product of how I feel. I’ve lost the capacity to distinguish between what I see and what I wanna see about this.

This feeling, resolved or not, is important to me. It’s strong and lasting, and not because it’s unresolved.

And how do I get to know it’s still strong and lasting?

Because he is someone I see regularly and meet in social occasions where I’m supposed to act friendly and socially with him. And at those times it becomes more evident how I feel.

When you just meet someone and an interest on the person starts it’s easier to deal with it. Because even you are not so aware of how you feel and you end up showing it a little bit on what you say or do without caring much of consequences. And if the other side is interested too, things flow naturally.

After a long time, when you know very well how you feel, it can be really uncomfortable. There is no option between faking a friendly attitude or opening yourself up and possibly causing a huge embarrassment and discomfort for the other side too. It’s not that he is not a friend. He is. And a good one. But I can’t be his friend sincerely while having all these feelings for him as a man.I’m not able to naturally start conversation and make spontaneous contacts like I do with other male friends just because it wouldn’t feel natural for me. I think he notices I don’t feel natural beside him. Just don’t know if he has a clue of why it is.

I can’t believe I put this in words. And without professional help 🙂  [not yet]. Big step. So relieving. Better late than never.

The Power Of Eye Contact

After all this time…I admit…my heart still goes faster when my eyes meet his.

Damn your eyes!

I can do what I want
I’m in complete control
That’s what I tell myself
I got a mind of my own
I’ll be alright alone
Don’t need anybody else

I gave myself a good talkin’ to
No more bein’ a fool for you
And when I see you all I remember
Is how you make me wanna surrender


Damn your eyes
For takin’ my breath away
Makin’ me wanna stay
Damn your eyes
For getting my hopes up high
Makin’ me fall in love again
Damn your eyes

Life In Mars

I know why the book of John Gray, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, released in 1992 was a huge success.
Years ago I read it borrowed from a friend.

That’s it. We need each other, it can be fun, it can be nice. That’s all. We can’t transform men’s behavior into ours.
No frustration.

Few weeks ago, a friend of mine called me on a Sunday afternoon and asked if he could come to my place because he needed to “talk to someone like me”. I got surprised but I said okay of course, he is a nice friend.

I knew in advance what his problem was. He was engaged and his fiancée found out he was cheating on her and they broke up.
He cried like a 5-year-old boy for a while and then told me how he felt and how he loves her and kept talking about everything that happened, what he did and why, etc, etc.

As I was listening to him, that was what could help him better, I kept thinking of how most of we women, here in Venus, allow heart and emotions command our thoughts and actions. And how the guys there in Mars fight bravely not to let it happen, at least not to let it last long when it happens, they fight to recover control over emotions. They really live in another planet. Most of them at least, there are exceptions of course, which is not necessarily positive.

Last Friday, the same devastated friend invited me to join him and other friends to go out. He’s getting over. We all had a nice time. He is incredibly better now. And I believe he was really devastated the other day. I also believe he loves her. But she can’t forgive him and make it up again. So he’s just recovering.

I see younger girls have a different attitude already and maybe there’s hope in the future things can get a little more balanced between men and women than they are now, at least emotionally speaking. Still those girls are exceptions.

It took a long way for women to conquer their space in society and look where we are now. We have the option of being independent.
That independence doesn’t go well with a Middle Age heart. No, no, no, no. It can’t be the end of the world when we get rejected or someone cheat on us. Wipe tears off and move on.

Now that we conquered all that space in practical matters I think many of us, me included, have a long way to become emotionally independent also.

We complain that men let their sexual impulses control them and they complain that we are too emotional and need commitment.

There’s gotta be a midway.

Worrisome Heart

I need a hand with my worrisome heart
I need a hand with my worrisome heart
I would be lucky to find me a man
Who could love me the way that I am
With this here worrisome heart
I need a break from my troubling ways
I need a break from my troubling ways
I would be lucky to find me a man
Who could love me the way that I am
With all my troubling ways
I need a man who got no baggage to claim
I need a man who got no baggage to claim
I would be lucky to find me a man
Who could love me the way that I am
A worrisome troubling baggage free modern day dame,
Said a worrisome troubling baggage free modern day dame
Ain`t no body the same

More of Melody here

[ if the way I feel could turn into a song….it would be this one]


Looking For Kitty (2004)

This 90 minute comedy-drama movie has a lot of content.  Directed by Edward Burns, where he plays a private investigator, helping a baseball coach to find his wife who ran away with a musician, this movie is about how sometimes close people actions catch us by surprise…and how difficult [and impossible?] it is to know somebody.

The baseball coach goes to New York to find his wife who abandoned him without any explanation, hoping to make it up with her and tell her how he still loves her….and mainly…to understand what she did.

During the investigation he and the detective get to know each other better and he finds out there’s no possible explanation that can fill what he needs. And understands that her actions mean she doesn’t care at all, which was what he wanted most. He understands her actions mean it’s not possible anymore and finds out what he wants for his life and that it can’t be found on any explanation or somebody else.

Sometimes in life other people actions catch us by surprise and we get very disappointed. The sooner we can forget about the facts and circumstances, the hows and whys,  to see and accept what it means, the better. The answers are always in ourselves and not in anybody else’s reasons and explanations. And a spontaneously given explanation means  a lot more than a demanded one.

Lavoisier Law and Relationships

There is another team member in my project and I’m glad she is a nice person to deal with.
She is also very beautiful and I’ve introduced her to a few friends in the last days, at the office.
She made a comment that I’ve only introduced her to male friends and I told her I have very few female friends.
One of the guys I introduced to her is really nice to have as a friend but he’s a helpless womanizer.
He manages to come everyday by the time she is leaving and offers her a ride.
Of course I didn’t say anything about him to her but she noticed he is aggressive flirting with women and she asked me about it.
I said: “Well…why are you asking?”.
She asked if I was interested in him and I told her that even if I were [ I’m not ], I’d never be on his way.
If one is not for me then he can be with anyone else, I couldn’t care less….it’s like the Lavoisier Law:
“…mass cannot be created/destroyed, although it may be rearranged in space…”.
And so it is.