Moving On

Image

The Moon keeps her motion in space and we can see her in the sky almost every night.

Even though the circumstances are the same, she keeps moving on.

We on Earth, except for some astronomers, do not notice her every move.

Most of us only pay attention when she appears bright in the sky above us.

So are the people around us. Even though they might look the same in our perception, they are constantly changing.

Living is learning and learning is changing.

Some of those changes may catch us by surprise when they become noticeable on the outside.

But it doesn’t happen when we suddenly notice.

Though it may look like the night turning into day, it’s a slow and constant process.

Different from the Moon, we can’t count as certain that the people around us will remain there while we live, doing the same things.

And different from the Moon, that can mesmerize us when we look at the sky, realizing how someone has changed can feel sad sometimes.

Though it can be hard, we can always learn from it.

And it can look from the outside that we remain the same and others are changing but that is not true.

We are moving on when we learn how to let go on something.

So we can cherish the memories, without feeling sorry for the changes.

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Choice

Dear Journal, what can I say?

Nobody kicks a dead dog, I know.

But in some situations you’re either ALL IN or ALL OUT.

There’s no half way.

I choose ALL OUT.

Intuition

All my life, the right things I did, not only external events were favorable to my actions, but also my intuitions were that I was in the right path.

Now, I am taking some actions that affect my career and life, but my intuitions don’t say I’m in the right path. External events are helping my actions but intuitions don’t follow them.

They tell me there’s something special I’ve been facing in a long time without knowing how to handle it. And that I should not give it up without trying, for real, at least once.

This is very confusing and anguishing since external events don’t help at all.

It’s not easy just letting life take you sometimes. There are things that we MUST take control over.

I don’t know which decision/action will come out from all this I’ve been through. I hope for the best.

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Interesting links about intuition that I found here:

http://memebox.com/futurescanner/show/6280

http://ipmf2007.org/the-road-to-intuition/

Perceptions and Reality

Like everybody else, I create an image of people I know based on my perceptions, which is limited to what they say and do.

I’ve learned through my life experience that this image I create is not the reality of the person. It doesn’t change or affect this reality. Also how others perceive me doesn’t change or affect my own reality.

We tend to make conclusions about others but it doesn’t have any effect on how things really are.

Anyway, I’ve known many people in all these years and now I only socialize regularly with around 20 people at most. If I consider the ones I feel comfortable to share personal matters it falls to less than 10 people, including family.

I have a friend…I guess I can consider him like this…that I know for 2 years now. I’ve had special feelings for him all this time but nothing has ever happened between us. Though, in many occasions in all this time we know each other, he has said or done things that I perceived like he had special feelings for me too. In fact, those occasions were alternated with other with total distance and without showing any interest for me.

What I feel for him hasn’t changed. I could see it when we met recently. I make an effort to treat him as a normal friend but he is more than that for me.

As he is an easy going guy and has never invited me out or something like this, I never felt encouraged to make an approach. Then many things happened, there was another guy that invited me out a few times and I could just conclude: that’s what guys do when they are interested, right? 

Maybe…

I never force approaches with anyone. I stay as close as people allow me, if I also feel like of course.

I’ve never overcome it but it doesn’t cause me any problem anymore, I’ve learned how to deal with it. Though, I never felt like giving up on it completely. It’s something I just put aside to move on with my life. Despite of whatever future may still bring for it, I try not to make any conclusions about how and why he did or said things, since I don’t know his reality…and I’ll probably never know.

Thoughts of the night

Once I heard someone say to prefer being an optimistic and being wrong than being pessimistic and being right. I totally agree. That’s how I am.

And that’s what makes me get in doubt sometimes if something has changed or if it’s only me giving a new look to it.

Things change all the time, specially outside, the “user interface”.

I’m giving a new look to everything and everybody around me once again, like I do from times to times…so that I can notice what really changed, what was fixed and what remains unchanged….and most important….what my old look didn’t allow me to see.

Hurt Pride

Hurt pride is a poison. I’d like to get rid of mine if I could.

At many times it happened to me to have a first impulse of doing something simple and spontaneous, like a comment, an invitation and there came my hurt pride slithering through my thoughts and “warning”: “Hey, remember what you got that time when you did it” or something like that.

It’s horrible. It seems reasonable but it’s not. People change, situations change, attitudes change. Maybe it would be good this time. But once it “warns” it’s impossible to act naturally and go on following impulses. And I give up.

Why I can deal with risks in practical matters, when I have no guarantees at all,  in a positive way and can’t deal with emotional risks?

And it’s not only hurt pride. Sometimes I tell close friends about something that occured me to do and how I gave up and they say: “You did well, it wouldn’t be good.” Why? How could I or anybody else know about it for sure?

Like another friend told me during our cigarette break: “The game of Love”. I agree it’s a game but it’s never about Love. It’s about fear, a bit of evil,  and pride. So the player decides NOT to do something NOT to show how he feels. That’s stupid. I’m stupid when I decide NOT TO DO something that came up spontaneously.

I’m not but I’d like to become able to restart situations with people. Not to repeat past situations, what is gone is gone,  but to face new ones from zero, without any negative feelings that come from the past, like hurt pride,  influencing me.

Not my 100 %

This Sunday I went to my home town to visit my family [my parents, human sisters, cat siblings 🙂 ].

I got melancholic in my way back, thinking about the problems they are facing and that I can’t do much to help by now.

They are all I have for sure in this world. I don’t know for how long. If they are not okay, there’s no way I can be okay.

And this will be a specially busy week for me, with the training I’m attending after work.

I’m used to always being the one who is supportive to friends in need and I got surprised yesterday when I had just arrived at the office and a friend came to me and asked: “Is everything alright? You don’t look very well today.”  I got surprised because she is not a friend I talk everyday. We just talk occasionally.

Then today another friend [this one much closer] said in our smoking break, suddenly, in the middle of our talking: “You are not your 100% this week, are you? “.

I had to admit. I’m not 100%. Maybe 70% of what I use to be. I’m happy and optimistic by nature but this kind of problems really affect me. I hadn’t notice how much I felt different until these two friends talked to me about it. It’s comforting having someone that notices and asks if something is going wrong. It’s just that I’m not used to being on the other side of it.

I’ll be fine soon 🙂 .