Posts Tagged ‘changes’

Moving On

Image

The Moon keeps her motion in space and we can see her in the sky almost every night.

Even though the circumstances are the same, she keeps moving on.

We on Earth, except for some astronomers, do not notice her every move.

Most of us only pay attention when she appears bright in the sky above us.

So are the people around us. Even though they might look the same in our perception, they are constantly changing.

Living is learning and learning is changing.

Some of those changes may catch us by surprise when they become noticeable on the outside.

But it doesn’t happen when we suddenly notice.

Though it may look like the night turning into day, it’s a slow and constant process.

Different from the Moon, we can’t count as certain that the people around us will remain there while we live, doing the same things.

And different from the Moon, that can mesmerize us when we look at the sky, realizing how someone has changed can feel sad sometimes.

Though it can be hard, we can always learn from it.

And it can look from the outside that we remain the same and others are changing but that is not true.

We are moving on when we learn how to let go on something.

So we can cherish the memories, without feeling sorry for the changes.

Choice

Dear Journal, what can I say?

Nobody kicks a dead dog, I know.

But in some situations you’re either ALL IN or ALL OUT.

There’s no half way.

I choose ALL OUT.

Intuition

All my life, the right things I did, not only external events were favorable to my actions, but also my intuitions were that I was in the right path.

Now, I am taking some actions that affect my career and life, but my intuitions don’t say I’m in the right path. External events are helping my actions but intuitions don’t follow them.

They tell me there’s something special I’ve been facing in a long time without knowing how to handle it. And that I should not give it up without trying, for real, at least once.

This is very confusing and anguishing since external events don’t help at all.

It’s not easy just letting life take you sometimes. There are things that we MUST take control over.

I don’t know which decision/action will come out from all this I’ve been through. I hope for the best.

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Interesting links about intuition that I found here:

http://memebox.com/futurescanner/show/6280

http://ipmf2007.org/the-road-to-intuition/

Perceptions and Reality

Like everybody else, I create an image of people I know based on my perceptions, which is limited to what they say and do.

I’ve learned through my life experience that this image I create is not the reality of the person. It doesn’t change or affect this reality. Also how others perceive me doesn’t change or affect my own reality.

We tend to make conclusions about others but it doesn’t have any effect on how things really are.

Anyway, I’ve known many people in all these years and now I only socialize regularly with around 20 people at most. If I consider the ones I feel comfortable to share personal matters it falls to less than 10 people, including family.

I have a friend…I guess I can consider him like this…that I know for 2 years now. I’ve had special feelings for him all this time but nothing has ever happened between us. Though, in many occasions in all this time we know each other, he has said or done things that I perceived like he had special feelings for me too. In fact, those occasions were alternated with other with total distance and without showing any interest for me.

What I feel for him hasn’t changed. I could see it when we met recently. I make an effort to treat him as a normal friend but he is more than that for me.

As he is an easy going guy and has never invited me out or something like this, I never felt encouraged to make an approach. Then many things happened, there was another guy that invited me out a few times and I could just conclude: that’s what guys do when they are interested, right? 

Maybe…

I never force approaches with anyone. I stay as close as people allow me, if I also feel like of course.

I’ve never overcome it but it doesn’t cause me any problem anymore, I’ve learned how to deal with it. Though, I never felt like giving up on it completely. It’s something I just put aside to move on with my life. Despite of whatever future may still bring for it, I try not to make any conclusions about how and why he did or said things, since I don’t know his reality…and I’ll probably never know.

Thoughts of the night

Once I heard someone say to prefer being an optimistic and being wrong than being pessimistic and being right. I totally agree. That’s how I am.

And that’s what makes me get in doubt sometimes if something has changed or if it’s only me giving a new look to it.

Things change all the time, specially outside, the “user interface”.

I’m giving a new look to everything and everybody around me once again, like I do from times to times…so that I can notice what really changed, what was fixed and what remains unchanged….and most important….what my old look didn’t allow me to see.

Hurt Pride

Hurt pride is a poison. I’d like to get rid of mine if I could.

At many times it happened to me to have a first impulse of doing something simple and spontaneous, like a comment, an invitation and there came my hurt pride slithering through my thoughts and “warning”: “Hey, remember what you got that time when you did it” or something like that.

It’s horrible. It seems reasonable but it’s not. People change, situations change, attitudes change. Maybe it would be good this time. But once it “warns” it’s impossible to act naturally and go on following impulses. And I give up.

Why I can deal with risks in practical matters, when I have no guarantees at all,  in a positive way and can’t deal with emotional risks?

And it’s not only hurt pride. Sometimes I tell close friends about something that occured me to do and how I gave up and they say: “You did well, it wouldn’t be good.” Why? How could I or anybody else know about it for sure?

Like another friend told me during our cigarette break: “The game of Love”. I agree it’s a game but it’s never about Love. It’s about fear, a bit of evil,  and pride. So the player decides NOT to do something NOT to show how he feels. That’s stupid. I’m stupid when I decide NOT TO DO something that came up spontaneously.

I’m not but I’d like to become able to restart situations with people. Not to repeat past situations, what is gone is gone,  but to face new ones from zero, without any negative feelings that come from the past, like hurt pride,  influencing me.

Not my 100 %

This Sunday I went to my home town to visit my family [my parents, human sisters, cat siblings 🙂 ].

I got melancholic in my way back, thinking about the problems they are facing and that I can’t do much to help by now.

They are all I have for sure in this world. I don’t know for how long. If they are not okay, there’s no way I can be okay.

And this will be a specially busy week for me, with the training I’m attending after work.

I’m used to always being the one who is supportive to friends in need and I got surprised yesterday when I had just arrived at the office and a friend came to me and asked: “Is everything alright? You don’t look very well today.”  I got surprised because she is not a friend I talk everyday. We just talk occasionally.

Then today another friend [this one much closer] said in our smoking break, suddenly, in the middle of our talking: “You are not your 100% this week, are you? “.

I had to admit. I’m not 100%. Maybe 70% of what I use to be. I’m happy and optimistic by nature but this kind of problems really affect me. I hadn’t notice how much I felt different until these two friends talked to me about it. It’s comforting having someone that notices and asks if something is going wrong. It’s just that I’m not used to being on the other side of it.

I’ll be fine soon 🙂 .

What If

I had accepted that job offer when I still didn’t find this one I have now worth to keep and had moved away three years ago?

What if I could have been bold enough when it would not seem crazy to be like it does now?

What if I had asked more questions?

What if I had the guts to show how much it meant to me?

What if I didn’t let my pride avoiding me to show how much it affected me?

What if I’m still not alone in this? Why sometimes it feels like I’m not? What if it’s still not too late?

I think none of us can plan anything. A plan should never be more than a wish and a reference, otherwise we can loose track easily. Things change all the time.  

Even in simple things. Today I went to the manicure after work and when I was leaving to go back home I ran across a couple I know since college and they invited me to go to the movies with them. I accepted but if I had not it wouldn’t make any big difference in my life, except for one less good movie I’d watched. It was not in my to-do-list for today, so what? But simple things are easy to decide about.

The hardest is when we are faced to great things that we wish but can never plan to find. We gotta be ready even to recognize them when found, because they usually come unexpectedly.

Sometimes we are faced with things so great that we aren’t even able to mention them to ourselves. Not even in our thoughts. Reason, plans and strategies can only be disastrous in those cases, very few to happen in a lifetime I believe. They must be faced with heart and soul. And those are the moments that can give a meaning to our existence.

What if?

 

There’s no something else

When I want something [in the most generic way] no something else can take its place. No way.

And when I can’t have something for sure I refuse consolation prizes. I can accept the loss, I can get over it, even if it takes me years, but there’s nothing in the world that can make it look like a good thing to me. It’s a bad thing, and it happens to everyone. Just it.

When something is lost to me I try not to focus on it, on the sadness and frustration it brings. I try to do other things I like since I can’t fix it. But each thing has its place in my life and none can replace the other. New things always come…new friends, new places, new happy and sad moments.

Last night I went to the movies with a friend [we’re just friends] and after we met a couple he knows and took a few drinks. We had a nice time talking. But my closest friends say [with best intentions I’m sure] : “That’s good for you! Then you don’t stay home alone and sad thinking about XXXXX”.

I don’t say anything but I disagree. It’s good for me to have a new friend who I can go out with but he is a new person I got to know. He is not a consolation prize. He has nothing to do with the sadness and frustration that the XXXXX’s matters bring me.

Then today other group of friends from work invited me to go out. They are going to a night club, one of those hip places where there’s someone “filtering” people at the entrance by the way they look. I hate such places. I’ve gone to a lot of them in the past but now it’s not the kind of place I feel like going. I like going to places where I can listen and talk with people. Or some alternative places, dark lightened and with alternative music. I refused and a friend said: “You should go. You’ll never meet a new guy and forget XXXXX if you stay home.”

I didn’t want to argue and I know she had the best intention. I just refused and said I’m tired from last night cause I slept only a few hours, which is also true.

But it’s not about it. I don’t believe in “searching for a new guy”, not for me. I’m not searching anyone new. And I know if I have to meet someone new it will happen naturally, maybe even in one of my walks on the neighborhood.  And I believe that forgetting someone is a process that is not up to being alone at home or surrounded by people. If I have to forget, I will. If not, I won’t. I’m not trying to forget or searching for anyone. I’m just letting things go…or better letting things take me. Doing what I want, what I like and what I have to, aware that nothing else can interfere with the place this situation takes in my life.

 

Temperance

During college I lived in five different houses with five different roommate groups. In my third year in college I went to live with a girl and it was the nearest to the campus I had lived until then.

The house had two bedrooms. It was the best place since I had started college so far: two blocks away from university campus and with one bedroom all for me. What else could I ask for? And this girl I had known since my first day at the campus. She was very intelligent and also beautiful [she is still very beautiful]. She used to have many affairs by that time and many people [the kind that worries about someone else’s life] said many bad things about her. We were close friends though and respected each other individuality and differences.

… continue reading this entry.

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