Craving

Independent thought separates us from animals.

Okay, that’s true, but what about when urges take control over independent thought?

Talking by myself, I can say urges do take control over me sometimes.

It’s easier when it’s about primary urges like caffeine, cigarettes.

I don’t smoke near my parents.

They know I smoke but I know they are not happy with it and they are already advanced in age and are so nice to me. I just can’t do it.

Once I was at my parent’s for already two days dealing very well without any cigarette.

Then an uncle and his wife came to visit us. She lighted a cigarrete. I almost took it off from her hand to smoke.

I didn’t of course but an uncontrolling urge came and immediately after they left I went out to the first place I could buy my cigarette pack [ it had to be THE ONE I smoke, no other]. It had been raining for days and I made up a stupid excuse to go out and did it.

I’ve also done other crazy things for coffee in other occasions.

Those are urges easy to be satisfied. Even though they are very specific [ it has to be MY cigarette mark, things like that] they can be easily got.

Nothing can satisfy an specific urge unless THAT thing wanted. Nothing else in the world.

The really difficult are other urges, specific, THAT ONE THING THAT WAY, that can’t be bought anywhere, that can’t be asked for.

You have it or you don’t. An urge like that can grow so strong an occupy every millimeter of my being.

I’d have to reach Nirvana to be able to deal with it.

I’ve never been addicted to drugs like cocaine or so. But I believe the abstinence feels the same. It burns.

They say going through these things in life purifies your soul.

If it’s true, I’ll probably become the next Dalai Lama in my next life.

I’m doing my best though, as I have to deal with it alone.

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