Archive for June, 2008

Eyes Wide Shut

I was talking to a friend at work yesterday and we ended up talking about this movie.

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Words by Madonna

Words, they cut like a knife
Cut into my life
I don’t want to hear your words
They always attack
Please take them all back
If they’re yours I don’t want anymore

You think you’re so smart
You try to manipulate me
You try to humiliate with your words
You think you’re so chic
You write me beautiful letters
You think you’re so much better than me

But your actions speak louder than words
And they’re only words, unless they’re true
Your actions speak louder than promises
You’re inclined to make and inclined to break

You think you’re so shrewd
You try to bring me low
You try to gain control with your words

Friends they tried to warn me about you
He has good manners, he’s so romantic
But he’ll only make you blue
How can I explain to them
How could they know
I’m in love with your words
Your words

You think you’re so sly
I caught you at your game
You will not bring me shame with your words

Too much blinding light
Your touch, I’ve grown tired of your words
Words, words
A linguistic form that can meaningfully be spoken in isolation
Conversation, expression, a promise, a sigh
In short, a lie
A message from heaven, a signal from hell
I give you my word I’ll never tell
Language that is used in anger
Personal feelings signaling danger
A brief remark, an utterance, information
Don’t mince words, don’t be evasive
Speak your mind, be persuasive
A pledge, a commitment, communication, words

 

 

Emotions and Chronical Diseases

We all get some illness every now and then. A cold, a virus, …

But many of us suffer with chronical problems all life.

There are many studies that relate these chronical health problems with emotional causes. I believe in it totally.

I’m sure my chronical problems have emotional causes. In my case is a huge fear of becoming vulnerable, exposing feelings. I became more aware of it in the recent times and that’s a step to solve. But it’s not enough. I have to work on a new mental attitude daily to reinforce the need and will of changing it. I’m trying through daily meditation oriented to it and diet. When I was taking the company bus to go to the office I was practicing it daily, along with diet of course, and lost 13 pounds.

Then I stopped it for a few weeks, kept the diet but ceased loosing weight. I’m still following the changes in my diet but now I’m back to practicing meditation daily again.

There is someone very special to me who has a rhinitis/breathing chronical problem. I never mention it with him because I think he is not open to talk about it [both: being special to me or the problem 🙂 ]. Coincidently this week I met that couple of friends from college and the girl suffers with the same problem her whole life. While I was at the movies with them I could hear her difficult breath and it reminded me a lot of my special friend [as if I needed something to remind me of him 🙂 ].

Well,  I googled about it and found a link that says this rhinitis/breathing problems, when they have emotional causes, it’s usually because the person refuses to bring some emotions to conscience and repress them, becoming allergic very easily.

I can’t tell about my special friend but I know this friend from college, we were roomies for a long time and I know she is a very rational person, refusing to show any sensitivity [the opposite of me when it relates to feelings]. She tends to repress anything that can make her feeling emotional. I can say she is very strong and good doing that.That description I found fits her perfectly.

And something funny happened at the movies. Her boyfriend and I cried at the end of the movie [he is a lovely guy] and when the lights were on she started laughing of us and saying: “I can’t believe you are crying!”. Then we three started laughing together.

Who am I to talk about someone else’s emotional problems? I have a lot to take care and solve.

And I’m working on it. Becomig aware of it is not enough. It’s a daily battle.

Keep on fighting 🙂 .

What If

I had accepted that job offer when I still didn’t find this one I have now worth to keep and had moved away three years ago?

What if I could have been bold enough when it would not seem crazy to be like it does now?

What if I had asked more questions?

What if I had the guts to show how much it meant to me?

What if I didn’t let my pride avoiding me to show how much it affected me?

What if I’m still not alone in this? Why sometimes it feels like I’m not? What if it’s still not too late?

I think none of us can plan anything. A plan should never be more than a wish and a reference, otherwise we can loose track easily. Things change all the time.  

Even in simple things. Today I went to the manicure after work and when I was leaving to go back home I ran across a couple I know since college and they invited me to go to the movies with them. I accepted but if I had not it wouldn’t make any big difference in my life, except for one less good movie I’d watched. It was not in my to-do-list for today, so what? But simple things are easy to decide about.

The hardest is when we are faced to great things that we wish but can never plan to find. We gotta be ready even to recognize them when found, because they usually come unexpectedly.

Sometimes we are faced with things so great that we aren’t even able to mention them to ourselves. Not even in our thoughts. Reason, plans and strategies can only be disastrous in those cases, very few to happen in a lifetime I believe. They must be faced with heart and soul. And those are the moments that can give a meaning to our existence.

What if?

 

There’s no something else

When I want something [in the most generic way] no something else can take its place. No way.

And when I can’t have something for sure I refuse consolation prizes. I can accept the loss, I can get over it, even if it takes me years, but there’s nothing in the world that can make it look like a good thing to me. It’s a bad thing, and it happens to everyone. Just it.

When something is lost to me I try not to focus on it, on the sadness and frustration it brings. I try to do other things I like since I can’t fix it. But each thing has its place in my life and none can replace the other. New things always come…new friends, new places, new happy and sad moments.

Last night I went to the movies with a friend [we’re just friends] and after we met a couple he knows and took a few drinks. We had a nice time talking. But my closest friends say [with best intentions I’m sure] : “That’s good for you! Then you don’t stay home alone and sad thinking about XXXXX”.

I don’t say anything but I disagree. It’s good for me to have a new friend who I can go out with but he is a new person I got to know. He is not a consolation prize. He has nothing to do with the sadness and frustration that the XXXXX’s matters bring me.

Then today other group of friends from work invited me to go out. They are going to a night club, one of those hip places where there’s someone “filtering” people at the entrance by the way they look. I hate such places. I’ve gone to a lot of them in the past but now it’s not the kind of place I feel like going. I like going to places where I can listen and talk with people. Or some alternative places, dark lightened and with alternative music. I refused and a friend said: “You should go. You’ll never meet a new guy and forget XXXXX if you stay home.”

I didn’t want to argue and I know she had the best intention. I just refused and said I’m tired from last night cause I slept only a few hours, which is also true.

But it’s not about it. I don’t believe in “searching for a new guy”, not for me. I’m not searching anyone new. And I know if I have to meet someone new it will happen naturally, maybe even in one of my walks on the neighborhood.  And I believe that forgetting someone is a process that is not up to being alone at home or surrounded by people. If I have to forget, I will. If not, I won’t. I’m not trying to forget or searching for anyone. I’m just letting things go…or better letting things take me. Doing what I want, what I like and what I have to, aware that nothing else can interfere with the place this situation takes in my life.

 

Heart

 

Watch your steps

This is my heart

And I need it

Don’t hurt it

There’s nothing I can do without it

[translated part of a poem from Alice Ruiz]

The Story of Stuff

Take a little time and get aware of this:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3412294239230716755&hl=en

Lollipop Moment

A Warm Heart and Pancakes

Yesterday I had a tough day. I spent all the afternoon dealing with a burocratic problem. I felt like I left the office 5 years older than when I came in, as if I weren’t old enough by that time.

This morning I was home working to compensate those hours away, lost in thoughts and feelings that were specially bringing me down today. It was not a good start for a day. Then a friend called and told me she was bringing me some pancakes she made from scratch. OMG, I couldn’t believe she did it! I mentioned to her casually this week that pancakes are my favorite food and my mother makes them every time I visit her. Yummmmiiii! And they came just in time. My fridge was totally empty and this is the day I go grocery shopping 🙂 . It’s very good for the heart having friends like this.

Sometimes I feel tired of believing that what I’m searching for is possible. But it doesn’t take much to bring me up again. I’m an incurable optimist. And I’m blessed with friends that do much more than it takes [it was not intentional to rhyme with pancakes :)].

Then to finish the day in a perfect way, I took myself to see Sex & The City which is surprisingly in the movies near my place. I loved it, it’s a very suspect opinion since I’m a big fan of it. But I love the way it shows Love is what can take us to the most intense moments of our lives, happy or sad. It’s not a fairy tale at all.

This day is ending much better than it started. Not as happy as it could be but much better. The important is having the strength and the warm heart it takes to keep going for better days…and nights.

Roberto Freire

A few weeks ago the brazilian writer and psychoanalyst Roberto Freire died at the age of 81.

I’ve read a few of his books: Cléo e Daniel, Coiote and Ame e Dê Vexame.

I dare trying to translate a few phrases from his books here that have touched me forever:

“…é o amor, e não a vida, o contrário da morte.”

“…it’s love, and not life, the opposite of death.” 

Portanto, nada temos a temer do amor, pois ele estará sempre em nós, inteiro e pronto para ser vivido quando for chegado o momento. Uma vez liberto, ele nos fará amar tão satisfatória e naturalmente como respiramos, procriamos, nascemos e morremos. O que geralmente nos falta é a coragem de exercer a necessária liberdade para isso.”

“Therefore, we have nothing to fear about love, as it will always be inside us, complete and ready to be lived when the moment arrives. Once it is free, it will make us love so satisfactory and naturally as we breath, reproduce, get born and dead. What we generally miss is courage to take the necessary freedom for that.”

Porque tu me amas, eu não preciso de ti. Porque te amo, tu não precisas de mim. Somos um para o outro, deliciosamente desnecessários.”

“Because you love me, I don’t need you. Because I love you, you don’t need me. We are deliciously unnecessary for each other.”

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